Satire By Lindsey Mutz
The NRA has struggled to defend itself recently in the wake of yet another mass shooting, this time at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, where 17 people were killed. The students at MSD have rallied together, organizing protests and rallies, including the March For Our Lives on March 24th in Washington DC.
In a brash attempt to protect their image, the NRA has purposely accused some of its members of sexual assault and harassment, in the hopes that doing so will pivot the national conversation away from guns and back to harassment, as was the case a few months ago when many Hollywood celebrities were taken down by claims of sexual misconduct.
“We are looking for a distraction from this tense time in America right now, said an NRA spokesperson, “and we picked harassment because people seem to really care about that, almost as much as they do about banning assault rifles.” According to an anonymous NRA member, this seemed like the optimal time to create this distraction, since no celebrities have been accused in the last two weeks.
Those being falsely accused of sexual misconduct by the NRA are all right with sacrificing themselves for the greater good. “This is how passionate I am about the second amendment,” said one of the accused, who says he is simply known as Dan. “I am willing to lose my job, my wife and my dignity to protect my right to have a gun.” The joke ended up being on Dan, however, because after a brief investigation, it was found that Dan was a little creepy towards women and is now awaiting bail in the county jail. His gun couldn’t help him with this one.
The NRA hopes that refocusing the conversation on sexual harassment will help people forget about being shot at, and focus instead on being creeped on. And if that fails, the NRA reasons, at least women will have guns to keep them safe.