A Guide for the Fellas

by Lindsey Mutz

 

Alright fellas, listen up!

As I’m sure you’re acutely aware

Women seem to be talking a lot

And darn, if that just isn’t fair!

 

It seems every day there’s another old dude

Who is outed as a sexual creep

What a witch hunt! You say, to your coworker, Jane

You better not come after me!

 

I know it’s confusing for you

To know how to behave around us

Is just talking to women allowed anymore?

What about touching their butts?

 

Your world has turned upside down

And reverted what you know to be true

It’s time for some clarification

Let me femsplain something to you

 

Just follow these simple instructions

For how to act around girls

Think of yourselves, men, for once in your lives!

And follow my handy rules

 

Step one, for the football lovers

Who lounge on the couch at home

To put it in terms that you’ll understand

Work is a no-contact zone!

 

Step two is for the comedy writer

Who considers himself really “woke”

If you make one more joke about friend zones

Your status will be revoked

 

Step three, for all of the “fun” Dads

Who leave the cooking and cleaning to Mom

If you want to be married ten years from now

I’d get that apron on

 

Step four was made for the frat guys

Who are so loud they can’t hear the word “no”

If she cannot consent to partake in the event

You may not proceed past Go.

 

And lastly to all who “have daughters”

Or “mothers” or “sisters” or “wives”

You are the bane of our existence

And are not welcome to be allies

So these are the cardinal rules

For how to be respectful and kinder

I know we all learned this in Kindergarten

But some of us need a reminder

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