by Lindsey Mutz
Alright fellas, listen up!
As I’m sure you’re acutely aware
Women seem to be talking a lot
And darn, if that just isn’t fair!
It seems every day there’s another old dude
Who is outed as a sexual creep
What a witch hunt! You say, to your coworker, Jane
You better not come after me!
I know it’s confusing for you
To know how to behave around us
Is just talking to women allowed anymore?
What about touching their butts?
Your world has turned upside down
And reverted what you know to be true
It’s time for some clarification
Let me femsplain something to you
Just follow these simple instructions
For how to act around girls
Think of yourselves, men, for once in your lives!
And follow my handy rules
Step one, for the football lovers
Who lounge on the couch at home
To put it in terms that you’ll understand
Work is a no-contact zone!
Step two is for the comedy writer
Who considers himself really “woke”
If you make one more joke about friend zones
Your status will be revoked
Step three, for all of the “fun” Dads
Who leave the cooking and cleaning to Mom
If you want to be married ten years from now
I’d get that apron on
Step four was made for the frat guys
Who are so loud they can’t hear the word “no”
If she cannot consent to partake in the event
You may not proceed past Go.
And lastly to all who “have daughters”
Or “mothers” or “sisters” or “wives”
You are the bane of our existence
And are not welcome to be allies
So these are the cardinal rules
For how to be respectful and kinder
I know we all learned this in Kindergarten
But some of us need a reminder